When the Holidays Hurt
Photo by Olayinka Babalola on Unsplash
I used to hate sad Christmas songs. You know, “Last Christmas” and “Grown Up Christmas List.” I would even skip The Temptations version of “Someday at Christmas” because it ruined my mood. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve started appreciating these melancholic melodies. Because truthfully, the holidays are difficult for a lot of people, including me.
In 2002, my father passed away two days after Christmas. In 2014, my grandfather passed away a few days before Christmas. For mental and physical health reasons, I lost the two most important men in my life around this time. Since the Christmas after my father died, I never know how exactly I will feel when the holidays come around. Some years I’ve had genuine excitement and joy. Others, I’ve been noticeably on edge. And others, I imagine like most people, I tried putting on a veil to hide how hurt I was. I kept trying to pretend all was well when really the holidays have not felt the same since.
Over time, traditions have been lost. I miss the conversations I had regularly with my Grampy (that was his name among all his grandchildren). I miss going to the movies as a family on Christmas afternoon. I miss having that Temptations album blast through the house and my dad trying so hard to imitate Eddie Kendricks’ famous falsetto. Okay, maybe I don’t miss that so much. Losing a parent at a young age is not easy. But I thought that I had to be happy during this time. I had to feel warm and fuzzy on the inside, despite changes and despite who I was surrounded by. I thought I had to suck it up, turn off the sad holiday songs, and plaster a smile on my face.
A month, season or holiday can’t force joy and hope upon all people. The holiday season makes me reflect on my favorite Disney movie (from this decade), Inside Out. If you haven’t seen it by now, I highly recommend. Inside Out is my reminder that it is perfectly okay to express emotions other than intense joy. Life happens despite the glitter, sparkle and endless jingles.
Family is emphasized at this time, and many people who were with us last year aren’t here today. Breakups and divorce happen. Layoffs, work stress, isolation from family or friends, and seasonal depression are a reality for many. Good tidings, joy and cheer aren’t feelings you can turn on like a light switch. I can’t hang happy thoughts in my mind like you hang lights and ornaments on a tree—and I shouldn’t have to.
If you are someone who feels like they should suppress sadness during this time, I see you. Don’t feel like you must lean into a counterfeit joy to make other people comfortable. Your emotions are valid and should be shared with people who understand that life doesn’t pause when Santa comes to town.
LySaundra Campbell is a writer and educator based in Washington, D.C. Read her words or follow her on Instagram and Twitter.