You're a Writer, Be Kind to Yourself.
Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash
I attended my first social justice retreat last year, in Carmel, California. It was a much-needed getaway and gathering of 10 other Black folks doing social justice work. We were guided through a self-compassion exercise and asked to journal about a time a friend was in distress and our response — thoughts, behaviors and actions. Next, we had to journal about a time in which we were in distress and our response — thoughts, behaviors and actions. Most people were harsher on themselves than with their friend in crisis. Surprisingly, I showed equal compassion toward my friend and myself in times of chaos or crisis.
Recently, I was setting goals and intentions for the upcoming year and decided to share with a friend. Unconsciously, I kept reverting back to where I had failed in certain areas and my friend called it out as I was sharing. I kept deferring to my shortcomings or areas of growth rather than stating what my goals were. I realized that just because I practice self-compassion in chaos or distress doesn’t mean I always practice self-compassion. In fact, the simple moments like goal-setting are more crucial than moments of tragedy.
Much of 2019 was a year of learning how to thrive and find joy outside of fires, figuratively speaking. It is difficult for me to not be a skeptic in the midst of abundance. It is unusually difficult for me to enjoy good things because I’m typically waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Capitalism wants us to think we’re not doing enough or that we are not enough. If you’re like me, you’ll internalize those thoughts and focus on what you lack rather than what you have. But we can create a practice of being more optimistic and compassionate toward ourselves.
Self-Compassion is a Practice
Practicing self-compassion means disrupting self-doubt. It means being tender with yourself and trusting your intuition, even if you’re wrong. It is non-judgmental awareness, presence, and kindness to yourself. Last year, I took a leap of faith and quit my full-time job to focus on my own business. It was a scary experience but I learned so much in the short time. Since, I have returned back to full-time work while I tweak the side hustle — I’d compromised in some ways and had a bit of mission drift. When I shared my goals for the upcoming year with my friend, and discredited myself by how I felt like I’d already failed, I wasn’t letting failure be a part of my growth process. And failure is a part of the growth process! I overlooked the fact that I was brave and tried to do something I’d never done before. Trying something new and having the awareness to take a step back and improve is a huge accomplishment.
Find joy in your goals, aspirations, intentions, and desires. Then do it. We get consumed by the thought of what may happen if we fail. If you fail — when you fail — what will you learn? How will you grow? And when you succeed, how will that make you feel? Fail, start over, research, sharpen, step forward, succeed — in no particular order. Self-doubt keeps us stagnant and is controlled by fear, not faith.
Record Your Moments of Gratitude
One way to practice self-compassion is by keeping a gratitude journal, or something similar. I’ve kept a journal for nearly a decade and kept a daily gratitude journal for the past year. It’s comforting to look back on times I was consumed by fear or confusion and reflect over how far I’ve come. I can read about situations, relationships, career decisions — many situations that I thought were impossible to escape — and see how I overcame them, even if imperfectly. Seeing trends from last month, last year, or five years ago, lets me know I’m capable of trusting my intuition again and again.
Press Play
Last, music is a fun way to build self-compassion. It’s a natural motivator. Listen to this playlist I curated to motivate you into a practice of self-compassion throughout your day. Feel free to share your go-to songs that help you practice self-compassion and gratitude.
-
i — Kendrick Lamar
-
Borderline (Ode to Self Care) — Solange
-
Lullaby — Tasha
-
Holy — Jamila Woods
-
Reality Check — NONAME
-
Masterpiece — Jazmine Sullivan
-
Chase It — Ashley Dubose
-
La Brea — Alex Isley
-
Enough — Aisha Badru
-
Optimistic — Sounds of Blackness
-
Good as Hell — Lizzo
-
I Am Light — India.Arie
LySaundra Campbell is a writer and educator based in Washington, D.C. When she isn't advocating for social liberation, you'll find her with friends, at a piano, curled up with a book, or fangirling over Issa Rae.