Breakdowns, Blowouts, and Shade: 5 Valuable Lessons I’ve Learned From Failed Friendships
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash
By Bri Norelle
“Gentle Reminder: Even when people don’t do their part, it’s still up to you to do yours.” — Alex Elle
Jay Z and Dame Dash.
Tupac and Biggie.
NeNe and Cynthia
Molly and Issa...
What’s the common thread between them? You guessed it— friendships in breakdown. It’s easy to pinpoint the shortcomings and identify where things went left when the situation isn’t your own. Whether the disagreement is served as celebrity gossip, as a storyline on our favorite show, or by a friend who’s recapping a concern that doesn’t directly involve it’s easy to be clear and objective. When it’s you, minimizing or avoiding the core issue could easily become your scapegoat if you allow it.
Like seasons, friendships shift. Sometimes you recognize the pending fallout and in other situations, you could find yourself totally blindsided by the breakdown.
I can still hear my mother’s sobering reminder about broken friendships the summer before I started the 9th grade. I’d confidently told her that my middle school besties and I would be girls forever. She gave me space to voice my hopes, sat in thoughtful silence for a moment, and told me, “I know that’s what you’re hoping for but as you grow and change, so will your friendships. It may not feel good but you’ll be fine. You’ll learn a lot about yourself, areas you need to grow in and what you want and need from others. Distance is a part of life...” My stomach dropped, I didn’t want her words to be true so I brushed it aside hoping time would prove her wrong.
Needless to say, momma was right—several times over. As a thirty-something woman, I’m still learning, growing, and revising my wants, needs, and expectations when it comes to adult friendships. Some of the friendships I was sure would stand the test of time are now distant memories.
Reflection can be a catalyst to healing, a guidebook for how to navigate future conflicts in friendship, and a challenge to examine how you internalize unmet expectations. Loss has been one of my greatest teachers.
Here are five key lessons I’ve learned as a result of breaking up with former friends.
If you can’t be your most genuine self—it’s time to go. Walking on eggshells to avoid an overly critical or negative response from someone who should be holding space for you to be your most authentic self could be a sign that it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Lack of genuine interest and support is a red flag. If your accomplishments, ideas, and concerns are consistently met with generic or halfhearted responses, it points to the possibility that the connection has weakened or is non-existent. Support is non-negotiable and if you find that a relationship lacks depth, be careful not to mislabel them as a friend instead of an associate.
A major misunderstanding doesn’t always mean it’s over. Sometimes friendships can recover but it takes honesty, willingness to be held accountable, and commitment from both people. Honest communication about your feelings and how the disagreement impacted you is important. Also, don’t forget to pay attention to the response you get because it’s sure to give you needed context for how to move forward and mend what’s broken.
When open and honest conversations are few and far between, press pause and reevaluate. Do you find yourself constantly withholding information and not sharing for fear of the response you’ll get? When there’s a disagreement, do you feel you can be straightforward about where you are and what you need from the other person for the matter to feel fully resolved and reconciled? Answering no to these questions is an indicator that something is off and deserves a second look.
A disagreement isn’t an invitation to take hurtful jabs about sensitive areas. Although we all have personality flaws that need some extra work and grace, consistently being hit with low blows by a so-called friend is a no-go. Storing up hurtful memories or pulling out a laundry list of prior offenses is an extra-low blow—it’s also emotional manipulation. If this is a pattern of response with a friend, take note and address it ASAP. Conflict is constant, but it doesn’t have to crush you. When breakdowns with friends happen (and they will), it’s an open invitation to examine your wants, needs, and patterns. It’s also an opportunity to redefine your expectations and capacity to be present and commit to the ups and downs in friendship. No matter what, there are lessons and opportunities in rifts between friends and ultimately, you have the freedom to decide if and how you want to move forward.
Bri Norelle is a Creative Consultant, Connector and the creator/host of The Level Up Diaries Podcast. Keep up with her on the Gram and Twitter @brinorelle.
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