Know Better Blues

By Alecia Swoope

“The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a while but it's not going to go away.” — Olivia Pope (Scandal)

Conscience and intuition are two truth-bearing, “know better” barometers. When they are pure, they are reliable life compasses.

Conscience (noun): the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one's conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action.

Intuition (noun): direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension; pure, untaught, non-inferential knowledge.

Have you ever known something to be true but weren’t quite sure how you knew? The source of the knowledge was so intangible and obscure, that the information was easy to dismiss. In reality, that truth doesn’t disappear just because we don’t acknowledge it. As mystical as intuition can feel, it pierces at us for a reason. I believe I missed out on the friendship of a lifetime because I didn’t trust my gut instinct. What I have realized is that when you ignore your intuition, you mute & dishonor yourself, invite counterfeits, waste time, energy, effort, and delay your truest blessings. Case and point—the following story and real life experience.

It was an ordinary day and I was becoming acquainted with newness: new city, new job, new people. While on tour at one of the facilities of my new job, my guide turned out to be quite the unexpected turn. We had a lot in common, but there was something distant. As time went on, we developed a bond, but while I saw friendship, he saw more. Sweet words, caring and thoughtful gestures, and plenty of laughter—there was definitely a connection, but not thee connection.

He became a vibe. The sound of him echoed in conversations with family and friends. When you invite others into the affairs of your life, you also invite their opinions. It didn’t take long: “He treats you so well, just give him a try,” “He may not be what you’re used to, but he may be what you need,” “Maybe you aren’t feeling him because it’s been so long since you really dated, you just have to get used to it again.” Their words rang to a place that made me feel detached from myself. My intuition was firm and warned me not to cross the friendship line, but I reluctantly bent to the opinions of others. I crossed a boundary that I didn’t necessarily put in place, but instinctively knew existed. Something inside of me was screaming that he and I should only be friends. I knew better, but my trusted friends and family were right. Right?

I hadn’t dated in so long. What if my inner self could no longer be trusted? What if it had decayed over time? I crossed the “know better” line. I cast off my intuition, pushed past my hesitancy, and forced something that was not organic. I silenced my questions and dove into self-mute-tation.

We had companionship. It was friendship. It was warmth. It was laughter. It was delight. Familiar and distant, pleasant and unsettled. It was good, until it wasn’t.

Valentine’s Day weekend was approaching and I was excited. Not because I was so in love and fulfilled within my relationship, but because a box was being checked on the list that I had created years prior. What I wanted to be the light at the end of a tunnel, turned out to be a train. During a class I attended, a man came up to me and told me that I love strange men. There was no time for him to expound because we were in class, but the meaning was unveiled later that evening. My companion and I pulled up at home after class and he asked if we could take a walk and talk. While my heart fluttered in concern, I said yes. He rambled for a few moments and then revealed that he had previously preferred relationships with men. I was only his second try at a relationship with a woman. My brain went blank for several seconds. When it clicked back on, the invisible yet tangible boundary that I had crossed, began to make sense. My initial instinct made sense. Something was off all this time but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. While his past was not the only reason for the disconnect, it was definitely a part. But the thirst trap of my checklist muffled my mind. I silenced my conscience—my compass—swallowed my pride, and kept movin’. We continued our relationship; living the dreams of my desperate, disconnect, and muffled self.

The looming feeling of disconnect only grew stronger. As I ignored that feeling, I told myself, “do you boo…get what you want.” But I’m only human and my heart felt and knew better. My true wants were clouded with desperation. One night, we lay cuddled in a heavy silence. Before I knew it, my mouth slipped up and communicated the overflow of my heart. “Can you feel that? Something is about to change.” I had no clue what was going to change, when it was going to change, and how it was going to change, but my body and heart felt what it had not yet experienced. Much to my surprise, he agreed. That moment changed everything. What was unspoken, unknown, yet lurking, became a reality by way of our acknowledgement and affirmation. While much didn’t change right away, the disconnect I always felt, turned into mental and emotional distance. Until one day, out of the blue, he essentially told me he no longer wanted to be in the relationship. Just like that, without any stress, strain or conflict, it was over.

My desperate hopes shattered to a million pieces. Dust. How dare he take advantage of how I extended myself by crossing my boundaries? But it wasn’t his fault, it was mine. I violated myself when I didn’t trust my intuition. Not believing I could know the truth for myself. Not believing that my truth was good enough to not be compromised. I was fighting someone like they stole pieces of me, when the truth is that I gave them away to soothe something broken in me.

Our intuition exists to guide us into high levels of truth. When we deny that truth, we bind ourselves in complexities that are hard to escape.

I knew better and now I have the blues. I’m in recovery.

Alecia Swoope is a writer and speaker who’s passionate about teaching and supporting people to be their best self. Stay connected with her on IG @msans7 and Facebook by name.